Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
