I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
