they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
