Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
