remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
