he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
