Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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