So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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