I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
