Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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