My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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