She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
