I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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