Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
