I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
