Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
