how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
