I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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