evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
