I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
