I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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