So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
