my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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