sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Everything about him screamed your future.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
