thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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