I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
