That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
