she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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