And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
