I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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