sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
