Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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