Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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