Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
