I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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