So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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