Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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