promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
