I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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