How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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