I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
