Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
