Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
