I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If I die, sorry about rent.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
