He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
