Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
