Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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