from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
