got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
