Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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