Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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