apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When did angry sex become our thing?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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