Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
