Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I need to calm my uterus...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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