My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
